There it stood.  For about a week.  A tree in the panhandle of Golden Gate Park adorned with neon, orange penises.  Those are strange leaves, oh wait, those aren’t leaves, it’s a dildo tree!  The ultimate “woody.”  I’m glad I took this shot when I did because the very next day there was no trace of it.  I have no idea who put it up or what their inspiration was in the first place, nor do I know who took it down and why.

Each “ornament” appeared to be hand stitched, complete with balls.  There were thick ones, thin ones, short ones, and long ones.  Some of them even had a natural curvature.  Together they represented the wonderful variety of normal, healthy, human anatomy.  Fluttering in the breeze, in plain sight, they could be perceived as a symbol of power in a patriarchal society, a sexual provocation, or a whimsical, rogue art installation among many other explanations.

I’ll never know the whole story, but what if it was a magical dildo tree that granted sexual wishes?  What would you wish for?

Make a Wish!

Jacking, Jilling, whacking, or fingering.  No matter what you call it, masturbation is the most accessible form of sexual expression.  But, thanks to a strict sexual dichotomy it seems that for every pleasure there is often an equal and opposite sense of guilt.

In a recent study reported in the Journal of Sex Research, 20 heterosexual, teenage (16-18) girls from a school in the south of England were asked about what discussions, if any, they have had with their parents about sex and relationships, their relationship histories, attitudes about their own body and masturbation, attitudes about safer sex, feelings of control in sexual situations, and other related issues.  Responses ranged from extremely negative to extremely positive.  Some girls felt that only boys should touch their genitals and even then it wasn’t pleasurable.  Others had unsuccessfully attempted masturbation only to end up feeling dirty, bad, or guilty.

On a positive note, a few of the girls described the discovery of masturbation as being accompanied by feelings of “amazement,” a sense of release, and inner calmness afterward.  Even with a positive attitude a few of these girls had struggled to overcome negative emotions associated with masturbation, however, what all these girls had in common was open communication with their parents.  They reported being able to talk about all topics, not just sex, without embarrassment or discomfort.

Discussions of masturbation tend to be few and far between and this silence only contributes to sexual shame and feelings of disgust.  If we are to move toward sexual health and happiness, it’s about time we began examining our attitudes toward masturbation.

You can start by considering these questions:  What is your masturbation narrative?  Do you find masturbation uncomfortable and uninteresting or rewarding and pleasurable?  If you are a parent, what conversations are you having with your children about masturbation?

Recommended Reading:

“Sex for One:  The Joy of Selfloving” by Betty Dodson

“I Am My Lover:  Women Pleasure Themselves” edited by Joani Blank

“Third Base Ain’t What It Used To Be:  What Your Kids are Learning About Sex Today - And How to Teach Them to be Sexually Healthy Adults” by Logan Levkoff

A 2006 report from the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime estimates that four percent of the world’s adult population uses marijuana annually.  My guess is that some of those people are also having sex while high and that’s why today, on the unofficial pot smoking holiday, 4/20, we will take a look at the interplay of the two.

Marijuana, just like every other drug legal or not, has different effects in different people based on the individual’s body chemistry.  For some, pot is clearly not sexy especially if it increases their anxiety.  A little anxiety can sometimes enhance a sexual experience - think back to when you were younger, making out or having sex in a parked car with the very real possibility that you might get caught - exciting!  But, too much anxiety - racing thoughts, paranoia, feeling like you might have a heart attack - generally serve to take you out of the mood real quick.

On the other hand, getting high can also positively effect sexuality.  Some people report feeling more physical pleasure and connection to their partner(s).  Due to pot’s effect on time perception sex can seem to last forever under the influence.  Also, we know from research that marijuana works as a vasodilator, opening blood vessels which allows more blood to flow to the genitals thereby increasing sensation.

Unfortunately, due to prohibition, there are very few studies on the effects of cannabis on sex.  With approximately 162 million pot smokers on the planet, perhaps it’s time to fully research and understand the sexual effects of marijuana.  For now, we are limited to anecdotal reports.  Care to share your own experience of sex while high?  I look forward to your comments!

Beyond the hot flashes and sleepless nights, for some women menopause threatens the end of sexual satisfaction.  It is true that once the ovaries stop producing estrogen a woman’s sexual and reproductive anatomy goes through some pretty big changes.  And while menopausal symptoms vary from woman to woman, most will experience some degree of vaginal dryness, decreased desire, difficulty achieving orgasm, dulled orgasmic sensations, and possibly even vaginal atrophy.  Luckily you don’t have to suffer or just give up on sex.  There is no one magic bullet that will “fix” your post-menopausal sex life, however, there are several different ways in which to tackle the problem and an integrated approach may be the most prudent one.  I recommend you consider all of your options and choose the best combination for you.

While traditional hormone replacement therapy has fallen out of vogue, due to an increased risk of breast cancer, there are other hormonal treatments available.  Some women, in consultation with their doctor, use a vaginal ring that releases a small amount of estrogen directly into the vaginal tissues.  Similarly, other women may choose to use a cream that contains either estrogen or testosterone.  These products help with lubrication, sensation, desire and the overall health of the vagina.  There are also various herbs that can be used in consultation with an herbalist or doctor of traditional Chinese medicine.  As with all medications, these treatments may not be safe for all women, especially those with a history of hormone-dependent cancer.  But fear not my survivor sisters, there is research underway to determine the safety of some hormonal treatments for us so this story is to be continued.

Of course, we don’t have to rely soley on drugs and doctors to maintain our sex lives.  Remember sex is a “use it or lose it” type activity.  The more sexual you are on a regular basis, solo or with a partner, the healthier and more repsonsive your body will be.  Try Kegel exercises to encourage blood flow to the genitals and increase sensation.  Regular vibrator use will also help with blood flow to the clitoris.  If you’re feeling dry, use a good lube (avoid oil based lubes if you are using condoms).  I recommend getting a sampler pack from someplace like Good Vibrations so you can try different brands and find the one you like the best.  You can increase your desire for sex by reading erotica or watching porn.

Just remember, you deserve sexual pleasure, so don’t give it up without a fight!

Sex is an embodied experience.  It doesn’t matter how you feel about your body, if you’re going to have sex, you will have it in the body that you inhabit today.  Not the one that is 10 pounds or two surgeries from now, but the one that is sitting in front of the computer reading this.  Don’t use an “imperfect” body as an excuse to deny yourself pleasure.

Everyone has things they don’t like about their body.  How often do you feel that your (insert body part here) is too (big/small, hard/soft, perky/saggy, hairy/bare, round/flat, etc.)?  But, just as easy as it is to make a list of the things you don’t like, what would it be like to make a list of the things you love about your body.  Sure, it might be a shorter list, but if you focus on what you like the other stuff tends to fade into the background and lose it’s grip on you.

Have you seen The Simpsons Halloween episode where all the advertising characters come to life and terroize Springfield?  The key to killing these monsters was a little jingle with the refrain “Just don’t look.”  When the monsters were deprived of attention they disappeared.  If you focus on your positive aspects and starve the negative ones your body monsters might just suffer the same fate and free you up to enjoy sex in the here and now.

Remember the old adage “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover?”  When we go deeper into the writings of the father of sadism, Marquis de Sade, we find a much deeper side.  His vision of sexuality is arguably extreme to many and yet at it’s core, Sade was able to put sex into context and honor the integral role it plays in our lives.  No matter what form your sex takes, whether for reproduction or recreation, kinky or vanilla, straight or gay, sex between consenting adults satisfies basic human needs for touch, intimacy and pleasure.

So while you may think that Sade was nothing but a pervert, consider for a moment this quote by him:  “Sex is as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other.”  In this statement Sade is dismissing the shame, guilt and anxiety the all too often sabotage sexual pleasure and thereby grants permission to honor your sexual appetite much like you would any other physical drive.  A rather refreshing perspective, don’t you think?