Jacking, Jilling, whacking, or fingering.  No matter what you call it, masturbation is the most accessible form of sexual expression.  But, thanks to a strict sexual dichotomy it seems that for every pleasure there is often an equal and opposite sense of guilt.

In a recent study reported in the Journal of Sex Research, 20 heterosexual, teenage (16-18) girls from a school in the south of England were asked about what discussions, if any, they have had with their parents about sex and relationships, their relationship histories, attitudes about their own body and masturbation, attitudes about safer sex, feelings of control in sexual situations, and other related issues.  Responses ranged from extremely negative to extremely positive.  Some girls felt that only boys should touch their genitals and even then it wasn’t pleasurable.  Others had unsuccessfully attempted masturbation only to end up feeling dirty, bad, or guilty.

On a positive note, a few of the girls described the discovery of masturbation as being accompanied by feelings of “amazement,” a sense of release, and inner calmness afterward.  Even with a positive attitude a few of these girls had struggled to overcome negative emotions associated with masturbation, however, what all these girls had in common was open communication with their parents.  They reported being able to talk about all topics, not just sex, without embarrassment or discomfort.

Discussions of masturbation tend to be few and far between and this silence only contributes to sexual shame and feelings of disgust.  If we are to move toward sexual health and happiness, it’s about time we began examining our attitudes toward masturbation.

You can start by considering these questions:  What is your masturbation narrative?  Do you find masturbation uncomfortable and uninteresting or rewarding and pleasurable?  If you are a parent, what conversations are you having with your children about masturbation?

Recommended Reading:

“Sex for One:  The Joy of Selfloving” by Betty Dodson

“I Am My Lover:  Women Pleasure Themselves” edited by Joani Blank

“Third Base Ain’t What It Used To Be:  What Your Kids are Learning About Sex Today - And How to Teach Them to be Sexually Healthy Adults” by Logan Levkoff

A common question I get from men is how to last longer before coming.  Many men, either through hasty masturbation patterns or not masturbating at all, inadvertently learn to come quickly or have so much pent up arousal that there’s no way they can last as long as they want.

Here are three tips I recommend:

First, masturbation is an excellent way to learn how to prolong excitement.  Plus, if you masturbate regularly it has the effect of lessening, in a good way, the impact of periodic sexual encounters.  Basically, if the only sex you have is with your partner, then there’s lots of build up and anticipation that leads to coming quickly.  If you masturbate in addition to partnered sex, then you have other sexual opportunities and may not be so revved up when you are with your partner.  It’s not that you won’t be revved up at all, it’s just that you will be more relaxed and better able to last longer.

It is important to be able to recognize your “point of ejaculatory inevitability,” the point at which you know you’re going to come and nothing you can do will stop it.  When you masturbate, pay attention to the signals your body sends leading up to that point and when you notice them during sex you need to change what you’re doing to lessen stimulation.  That may mean changing positions or withdrawing from penetration completely and switching to another activity that won’t stimulate the penis, but will keep your partner stimulated and the fun going.  This will allow you to continue sexual activity, but not put you over the edge until you are ready.

Another technique is called the “squeeze technique.”  Again, when you approach ejaculatory inevitability, withdraw from penetration or whatever other stimulation you are receiving and then squeeze the head of the penis with a firm grip for about 10 seconds.  You should slowly feel the intensity wane.  Then it will take you some time to build tension again, effectively prolonging your sexual interaction.  Try practicing this technique while masturbating first until you get the hang of it, then you can do it with your partner (either of you can squeeze the penis).  Slowly you’re body will learn how to take it’s time naturally and you should be able to stop using the technique.  Of course, you are welcome to use it whenever you like!

Check out the book “Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld for these exercises and more.

This is the ultimate sex guide.  It covers everything you wanted to know about sex and a few things you’d rather not think about.  It may not turn you on, but if someone out there gets off on a particular activity it’s likely to be in this book.  Basically it’s got something for everyone and at 847 pages it better!

Chock full of how-to tips, technology and culture, orientation and gender, kink, pregnancy and other medical conditions, and historical references, this is the one sex book you should have on your shelf.  The writing is straightforward and chock full of humor.  The illustrations will make you laugh, think and might even turn you on if you’re into the comic book style.

“The Guide to Getting It On!” is an unabashed look at all things sexual that pokes fun at and demystifies our most common sexual hang-ups.  Throughout this book Mr. Joannides gives you permission to enjoy sexual pleasure and that is something I wholeheartedly support.

Joannides, Paul (2006).  The Guide To Getting It On (5th ed.). Oregon: Goofy Foot Press